Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are more likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 o'clock.
You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into heated arguments about the price of groceries.
You got cable TV just for the western channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
And with a slight adjustment to your hearing aid, you won't notice their parties either.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
So enjoy it - you're just getting older.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
My Top 20 Mom Quotations
1. "All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother."
-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
2. "A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
-- Agatha Christie
3. "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."
-- Aristotle
4. "A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take."
-- Cardinal Mermillod
5. "My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her."
-- George Washington (1732-1799)
6. "Education commences at the mother's knee, and every word spoken within hearsay of little children tends toward the formation of character."
-- Hosea Ballou
7. "The best academy, a mother's knee."
-- James Russell Lowell
8. "Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world."
-- Kate Douglas Wiggin
9. "We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth."
-- Mary Antin
10. "Youth fades, love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; a mother's secret hope outlives them all."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1775-1817)
11. "When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."
-- Pablo Picasso
12. "There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
13. "A mother is a mother still, The holiest thing alive."
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
14. "The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother—which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."
-- Sydney J. Harris
15. "An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
-- Spanish proverb
16. "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
-- Theodore Hesburgh
17. "A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them."
-- Victor Hugo
18. "The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother."
-- W. C. Fields
19. "A man never sees all that his mother has been to him until it's too late to let her know that he sees it."
-- W. D. Howells
20. "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
-- William Ross Wallace
-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
2. "A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
-- Agatha Christie
3. "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."
-- Aristotle
4. "A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take."
-- Cardinal Mermillod
5. "My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her."
-- George Washington (1732-1799)
6. "Education commences at the mother's knee, and every word spoken within hearsay of little children tends toward the formation of character."
-- Hosea Ballou
7. "The best academy, a mother's knee."
-- James Russell Lowell
8. "Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world."
-- Kate Douglas Wiggin
9. "We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth."
-- Mary Antin
10. "Youth fades, love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; a mother's secret hope outlives them all."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1775-1817)
11. "When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."
-- Pablo Picasso
12. "There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
13. "A mother is a mother still, The holiest thing alive."
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
14. "The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother—which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."
-- Sydney J. Harris
15. "An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
-- Spanish proverb
16. "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
-- Theodore Hesburgh
17. "A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them."
-- Victor Hugo
18. "The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother."
-- W. C. Fields
19. "A man never sees all that his mother has been to him until it's too late to let her know that he sees it."
-- W. D. Howells
20. "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
-- William Ross Wallace
Thursday, May 7, 2009
It's a Great Relationship, But is it Time to Break Up?
You've found a new guy and the two of you have been dating for a few months now. He's handsome, funny, and charming, and yet something about the relationship doesn't feel quite right. You so much want this to work, as it has been some time since you've dated anyone this long with the prospect of a permanent commitment. But you still have some important unanswered questions.
1. Where does he go on the weekends?
You've noticed from the beginning of your dating relationship that your guy doesn't hang around on Saturday or Sunday. In fact, you don't see him too often on Friday nights, either. You have to wonder if he has a family out there somewhere, or some kind of commitment elsewhere that is bound to interfere with yours at some point. In fact, it already is interfering. When you ask him why he can't come around over the weekend, he stutters and stammers, but so far, no good excuses.
2. What about his family?
After five months, you still haven't met his parents, sister, or even his dog. He's given you a dozen reasons why you can't visit his apartment, none of them valid. You would love to meet his family-if he has one, that is. Moreover, it wouldn't be a bad idea to be introduced to his coworkers, neighbors, or friends. But so far, none of that is happening. There was one buddy from college who was passing through town and took the two of you out for dinner, but that was it.
3. Does he really have a job?
Even though he has vaguely mentioned having a job somewhere, he doesn't say much about the work, the company, or his boss. You don't actually know what he does or how much he makes. In fact, he's often broke, which is why the two of you hang out at your place for pizza and television rather than go to the movies or dinner.
4. Will he ever get serious?
This guy takes life pretty easy. He doesn't seem to have any hassles or worries, and he's not particularly interested in the future-with or without you. You've fallen into a fairly predictable and almost boring dating pattern, and you're wondering if you could live this way the rest of your life even if things did get serious.
5. Does he meet your needs?
When you need a shoulder to cry one, he withdraws a little, like he's not very comfortable with emotion. At times when you want to dress up and go out, he's ready to sack out on the sofa for a little snooze. He seldom shows much interest in your job, your family, or your hobbies. So what's to love about him?
If any of these, especially in combinations of two or more, describe your relationship, maybe it's time to move on. Unless you force a confrontation and insist on things changing, chances are they won't. And who wants to force someone to pretend to like you, anyway? It could be time to give up and get going if your Romeo isn't showing much enthusiasm.
1. Where does he go on the weekends?
You've noticed from the beginning of your dating relationship that your guy doesn't hang around on Saturday or Sunday. In fact, you don't see him too often on Friday nights, either. You have to wonder if he has a family out there somewhere, or some kind of commitment elsewhere that is bound to interfere with yours at some point. In fact, it already is interfering. When you ask him why he can't come around over the weekend, he stutters and stammers, but so far, no good excuses.
2. What about his family?
After five months, you still haven't met his parents, sister, or even his dog. He's given you a dozen reasons why you can't visit his apartment, none of them valid. You would love to meet his family-if he has one, that is. Moreover, it wouldn't be a bad idea to be introduced to his coworkers, neighbors, or friends. But so far, none of that is happening. There was one buddy from college who was passing through town and took the two of you out for dinner, but that was it.
3. Does he really have a job?
Even though he has vaguely mentioned having a job somewhere, he doesn't say much about the work, the company, or his boss. You don't actually know what he does or how much he makes. In fact, he's often broke, which is why the two of you hang out at your place for pizza and television rather than go to the movies or dinner.
4. Will he ever get serious?
This guy takes life pretty easy. He doesn't seem to have any hassles or worries, and he's not particularly interested in the future-with or without you. You've fallen into a fairly predictable and almost boring dating pattern, and you're wondering if you could live this way the rest of your life even if things did get serious.
5. Does he meet your needs?
When you need a shoulder to cry one, he withdraws a little, like he's not very comfortable with emotion. At times when you want to dress up and go out, he's ready to sack out on the sofa for a little snooze. He seldom shows much interest in your job, your family, or your hobbies. So what's to love about him?
If any of these, especially in combinations of two or more, describe your relationship, maybe it's time to move on. Unless you force a confrontation and insist on things changing, chances are they won't. And who wants to force someone to pretend to like you, anyway? It could be time to give up and get going if your Romeo isn't showing much enthusiasm.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
-If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
-To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
-If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
-Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
-To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
-To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
-To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
-If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
-When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
-"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
-You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your bootable CD to recover from a crash.
-We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
-To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
-Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
-To undo a mistake, click on "back".
-Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
-If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
-To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
-If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
-Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
-To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
-To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
-To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
-If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
-When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
-"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
-You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your bootable CD to recover from a crash.
-We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
-To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
-Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
-To undo a mistake, click on "back".
-Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
-If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
Friday, April 24, 2009
Mothers of the Famous
Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, Chris. You still could have written."
Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
Goldilocks Mother: "I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?"
Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
Superman's Mother: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light blub, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed."
Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
Goldilocks Mother: "I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?"
Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
Superman's Mother: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light blub, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed."
Monday, April 20, 2009
Love and What is Not
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing
And is your voice caught within your chest?
It isn't love, it's like.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them,
am I right?
It isn't love, it's lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
It isn't love, it's luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't love, it's loneliness.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't love, it's loyalty.
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then it's love.
Do you cry for their pain,
even when they're strong?
Then it's love.
Do their eyes see your true heart,
and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's love.
Do you stay for their confessions of love,
because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, it's pity.
Are you there because they kissed you,
or held your hand?
It isn't love, it's low confidence.
Do you belong to them
because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't love, it's infatuation.
Do you stay because a blinding,
incomprehensible mix of pain and
elation pulls you close and holds you?
Then it's love.
Do you pardon their faults
because you care about them?
It isn't love, it's friendship
Do you accept their faults
because they're a part of who they are?
Then it's love.
Do you tell them every day
they are the only one you think of?
It isn't love, it's a lie.
Are you attracted to others,
but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's love.
Are you willing to give
all of your favorite things for their sake?
It isn't love, it's charity.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then it's love.
And is your voice caught within your chest?
It isn't love, it's like.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them,
am I right?
It isn't love, it's lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
It isn't love, it's luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't love, it's loneliness.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't love, it's loyalty.
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then it's love.
Do you cry for their pain,
even when they're strong?
Then it's love.
Do their eyes see your true heart,
and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's love.
Do you stay for their confessions of love,
because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, it's pity.
Are you there because they kissed you,
or held your hand?
It isn't love, it's low confidence.
Do you belong to them
because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't love, it's infatuation.
Do you stay because a blinding,
incomprehensible mix of pain and
elation pulls you close and holds you?
Then it's love.
Do you pardon their faults
because you care about them?
It isn't love, it's friendship
Do you accept their faults
because they're a part of who they are?
Then it's love.
Do you tell them every day
they are the only one you think of?
It isn't love, it's a lie.
Are you attracted to others,
but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's love.
Are you willing to give
all of your favorite things for their sake?
It isn't love, it's charity.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then it's love.
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