A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Leaving the City of Regret
I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I’m talking about my annual “Guilt Trip.”
I got tickets to fly there on “WISHIHAD” airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been. No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say “international”, because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.
As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year’s most important event, the Annual Pity Party. I wasn’t going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the town’s leading citizens would be there.
First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol’ Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterdays. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.
Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It’s Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don’t Blame Me and I Couldn’t Help It.
Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party, knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that all of this trip and subsequent “pity party” could be cancelled by ME! I started to truly realize that I did not have to be there. I didn’t have to be depressed.
One thing kept going through my mind, I CAN’T CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left The City of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address. Am I sorry for mistakes I’ve made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.
So, if you’re planning a trip back to The City of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now. Instead, take a trip to a place called, Starting Again. I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myselfs and the New Starts are so very helpful. By the way, you don’t have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. God bless you in finding this great town.
If you can find it, it’s in your own heart - please look me up. I live on ICANDOIT street.
I got tickets to fly there on “WISHIHAD” airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been. No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say “international”, because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.
As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year’s most important event, the Annual Pity Party. I wasn’t going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the town’s leading citizens would be there.
First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol’ Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterdays. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.
Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It’s Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don’t Blame Me and I Couldn’t Help It.
Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party, knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that all of this trip and subsequent “pity party” could be cancelled by ME! I started to truly realize that I did not have to be there. I didn’t have to be depressed.
One thing kept going through my mind, I CAN’T CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left The City of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address. Am I sorry for mistakes I’ve made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.
So, if you’re planning a trip back to The City of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now. Instead, take a trip to a place called, Starting Again. I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myselfs and the New Starts are so very helpful. By the way, you don’t have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. God bless you in finding this great town.
If you can find it, it’s in your own heart - please look me up. I live on ICANDOIT street.
Husband 101
"Dream Lover"
Letter to complaint dept.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!
Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".
You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3
I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0 Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran .
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only 9.4 and 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"
Letter to complaint dept.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!
Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".
You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3
I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0 Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran .
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only 9.4 and 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"
The Shipwreck
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground--it just may be a smoke signal that summons The
Grace of God.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground--it just may be a smoke signal that summons The
Grace of God.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
2 Sides Of Love
His side
-"tell her how you feel" is what my friends said
-so i picked up the phone
-called your house
-you answerd
-i said "i love you"
-and hung up right after
-the next day
-i told you it was a bet from a friend
-it was partly true
-but you didnt answer
-no sassy come back which you always do
-just stood there
-the walked away
My side
-he called my house
-i picked up
-he told me he loved me
-then hung up
-the next day
-i was going to tell you i loved you back
-but you said it was a bet
-i had everything planned out
-every move i planned
-every word
-but when you said that...
-i had nothing to say
-i stood and watched you
-as you broke my heart
-"tell her how you feel" is what my friends said
-so i picked up the phone
-called your house
-you answerd
-i said "i love you"
-and hung up right after
-the next day
-i told you it was a bet from a friend
-it was partly true
-but you didnt answer
-no sassy come back which you always do
-just stood there
-the walked away
My side
-he called my house
-i picked up
-he told me he loved me
-then hung up
-the next day
-i was going to tell you i loved you back
-but you said it was a bet
-i had everything planned out
-every move i planned
-every word
-but when you said that...
-i had nothing to say
-i stood and watched you
-as you broke my heart
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Please Don't Lie To Me Again
This touching sad short love story is amazing. Sometimes we lie to the ones we love because we are afraid to tell people of our feelings for them. How often has this happened to you? Well, read this touching sad short love story and perhaps you might find the courage to let people know of your feelings.
Tenchi looked at the face of a girl whom he had been with for a long time. She was his childhood friend. She was lying on the hospital bed, unconcious. As Tenchi looked at her, love and sadness can be seen in his eyes. Worried that something bad might happen to her. "Yuki, please wake up." the words that he kept repeating in his mind, over and over again.
"Hey cheer up now. What's the matter?" A young boy wearing a blue baseball cap told his friend, looking at her, who was crying. "I'm fine." A little girl gave the same boy a fake smile. "Ahh, something's wrong, I knew it. Yuki tell me." He insisted. But the little girl just gave him a smile, "nothing."
A girl waited under a waiting shed, it was raining too hard. Everything was dark. "Yuki!" The girl heard her name. Left, right, it was her friend, Tenchi. The boy hurried to see her, he ran to the waiting shed quickly, with his uniform, dripping wet. But as soon as he got there, acted as if she didn't even hear his voice, nor knew him for who he was. "We need to talk..." He said trying to catch some air. "I thought I told you to leave me alonE!" The girl shouted as she turned her back at him. "Yuki, I can't do that!" Tenchi answered. Yuki started walking away, she had her clothes wet by the time she set her feet out of the waiting shed.
"Hey, listen ok. Look I know that I made the wrong choice about telling you that I...love you....but...please, cant we just...have what we had before? FRIENDSHIP!?" Tenchi continued. Yuki stopped walking, "Look!" she turned around and faced him, "All I ask is for you to leave me alone! I'm sick and tired of this game. It can't be. You can't love a girl like me." She yelled, tears came falling from her eyes. Tenchi made his way to his friend and threw his arms around her, "I just love you!...Why can't we be together?" He was crying. "LET GO!" Yuki pushed him, and Tenchi felt pain on his right cheek, she slapped him. "Can't you understand me? I don't like the way you treat me anymore, I'm not special. You just can't love me as someone else? I hate you!" Her voice was beginning to break up, she was crying real hard, but the rain could cover it. Yuki turned her back at Tenchi and ran away.
Tenchi wanted to go after her but all he could do was watch her as she goes farther and farther. As Yuki reached the sidewalk near her house, she felt pain on her left chest, her heart was aching. She couldn't breath. She placed her hand just at the place of her heart and tried to massage her chest, "It's ok, Nikk. You can do it...just a few steps and...Ughr" She took a deep breath and started walking again, slowly, but her knees felt weak, she can't move anymore and that caused her to fall on the ground. Her sister got out the house eventually and helped her to stand up.
Tenchi took a deep breath and made his way to the wash room to wash the vase. There was silence. Even his loud breathing could be heard...As Tenchi went out the room, he went to the table near Yuki's bed and took the boquet of roses. "Tenchi," He heard a soft voice calling him. Tenchi turned to his right and found Yuki, awake. "Tenchi, What are u doin here?." she said. Her voice was softer than before. Her friend smiled, "I...came here to...see you.." He replied. "Tenchi...I..." She felt so much pain on her chest again.
Tenchi looked at the face of a girl whom he had been with for a long time. She was his childhood friend. She was lying on the hospital bed, unconcious. As Tenchi looked at her, love and sadness can be seen in his eyes. Worried that something bad might happen to her. "Yuki, please wake up." the words that he kept repeating in his mind, over and over again.
"Hey cheer up now. What's the matter?" A young boy wearing a blue baseball cap told his friend, looking at her, who was crying. "I'm fine." A little girl gave the same boy a fake smile. "Ahh, something's wrong, I knew it. Yuki tell me." He insisted. But the little girl just gave him a smile, "nothing."
A girl waited under a waiting shed, it was raining too hard. Everything was dark. "Yuki!" The girl heard her name. Left, right, it was her friend, Tenchi. The boy hurried to see her, he ran to the waiting shed quickly, with his uniform, dripping wet. But as soon as he got there, acted as if she didn't even hear his voice, nor knew him for who he was. "We need to talk..." He said trying to catch some air. "I thought I told you to leave me alonE!" The girl shouted as she turned her back at him. "Yuki, I can't do that!" Tenchi answered. Yuki started walking away, she had her clothes wet by the time she set her feet out of the waiting shed.
"Hey, listen ok. Look I know that I made the wrong choice about telling you that I...love you....but...please, cant we just...have what we had before? FRIENDSHIP!?" Tenchi continued. Yuki stopped walking, "Look!" she turned around and faced him, "All I ask is for you to leave me alone! I'm sick and tired of this game. It can't be. You can't love a girl like me." She yelled, tears came falling from her eyes. Tenchi made his way to his friend and threw his arms around her, "I just love you!...Why can't we be together?" He was crying. "LET GO!" Yuki pushed him, and Tenchi felt pain on his right cheek, she slapped him. "Can't you understand me? I don't like the way you treat me anymore, I'm not special. You just can't love me as someone else? I hate you!" Her voice was beginning to break up, she was crying real hard, but the rain could cover it. Yuki turned her back at Tenchi and ran away.
Tenchi wanted to go after her but all he could do was watch her as she goes farther and farther. As Yuki reached the sidewalk near her house, she felt pain on her left chest, her heart was aching. She couldn't breath. She placed her hand just at the place of her heart and tried to massage her chest, "It's ok, Nikk. You can do it...just a few steps and...Ughr" She took a deep breath and started walking again, slowly, but her knees felt weak, she can't move anymore and that caused her to fall on the ground. Her sister got out the house eventually and helped her to stand up.
Tenchi took a deep breath and made his way to the wash room to wash the vase. There was silence. Even his loud breathing could be heard...As Tenchi went out the room, he went to the table near Yuki's bed and took the boquet of roses. "Tenchi," He heard a soft voice calling him. Tenchi turned to his right and found Yuki, awake. "Tenchi, What are u doin here?." she said. Her voice was softer than before. Her friend smiled, "I...came here to...see you.." He replied. "Tenchi...I..." She felt so much pain on her chest again.
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