Saturday, June 27, 2009

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders...

Better to be safe than - punch a 5th grader.

Strike while - the bug is close.

It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of - termites.

You can lead a horse to water but - how?

Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.

No news is - impossible.

A miss is as good as a - Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new - math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.

Love all, trust - me.

The pen is mightier than the - pigs.

An idle mind is - the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's - pollution.

Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.

A penny saved is - not much.

Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you - see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind - get out of the way.

And the favorite: Better late than - pregnant!!!!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Totally Useless Facts

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.

Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.

The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy."

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.

Michael Jordan makes more money from NIKE annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

The volume of the earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.

Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.

Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc. Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc.

Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.

The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.

The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai- whenua kitanatahu--a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA."

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go the speed of light. Also, there is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a tackyon beam, it travels before you fire it.

When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.

A cat's jaw cannot move sideways.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

How Fathers Were Created

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When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame.

A female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.

And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy.

The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats."

And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face."

And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders.

The angel nearly had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?"

And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?"

And God smiled and said, "They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill."

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?"

The angel shutteth up.
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