Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Saturday, June 27, 2009

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders...

Better to be safe than - punch a 5th grader.

Strike while - the bug is close.

It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of - termites.

You can lead a horse to water but - how?

Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.

No news is - impossible.

A miss is as good as a - Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new - math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.

Love all, trust - me.

The pen is mightier than the - pigs.

An idle mind is - the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's - pollution.

Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.

A penny saved is - not much.

Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you - see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind - get out of the way.

And the favorite: Better late than - pregnant!!!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Mothers of the Famous

Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, Chris. You still could have written."


Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"


Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."


Batman's Mother: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"


Goldilocks Mother: "I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?"


Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"


George Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"


Superman's Mother: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"


Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light blub, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie"

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"There go the lights again..."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off."

"What's this doing here?"

"Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."

"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"

"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmedle. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change..."

"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"

"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."

"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!"

"FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"

"Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

"...And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."

"You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Physics In Hell

A true story.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students.

It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
It was not revealed what grade the student received.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Husband Mart

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Husband 101

"Dream Lover"

Letter to complaint dept.

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".

You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0 Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran .
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!

Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only 9.4 and 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"
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