Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Top Ten Tiger Woods Lessons for Success:

1. Expect to win.
Know in your heart that you are a winner.

2. Let your expectations show.
Express no doubts, let your competitors and your friends know that you have none.

3. Work, practice, work, and practice some more.
At the top of his field, he can still be seen hitting buckets of balls until dark
- even if he's just won.

4. Dress and act like a winner.
This is a part of keeping yourself in a winning frame of mind.

5. Have a sense of drama - don't create it but know it when you see it.
You don't have to seek out publicity, but know how to accept and use it when it
comes to you.

6. Know that there is always room to grow.
Being the best does not mean you can't be even better.

7. Hang with the winners.
They understand the pressures and situations in which you will find yourself.

8. Put yourself in situations where you are not known as a success.
May be difficult, but this helps you to stay real.

9. Value and protect your free time and do what you enjoy.
The discipline of being a winner needs a safety valve from time to time.

10. Remember those who need help.
Somewhere, someone helped you - be willing to give back.

by Diana Robinson, Ph.D.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Love Story

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave.

Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."

Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, " Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, "Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.

Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.

Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered. "But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Life is short...

This is a beautiful story.
Just wanted to share with you this wonderful story...

Life is short, so smile and be grateful as long as we are here.



The girl in the picture is Katie Kirkpatrick, she is 21 . Next to her, her fiancé, Nick, 23. The picture was taken shortly before their wedding ceremony, held on January 11, 2005 in the US . Katie has terminal cancer and spend hours a day receiving medication. In the picture, Nick is waiting for her on one of the many sessions of chemo to end.



In spite of all the pain, organ failures, and morphine shots, Katie is going along with her wedding and took care of every detail. The dress had to be adjusted a few times due to her constant weight loss.



An unusual accessory at the party was the oxygen tube that Katie used throughout the ceremony and reception as well. The other couple in the picture are Nick's parents. Excited to see their son marrying his high school sweetheart.



Katie, in her wheelchair with the oxygen tube , listening to a song from her husband and friends.



At the reception, katie had to take a few rests. The pain did not allow her to stand for long periods.



Katie died five days after her wedding day. Watching a woman so ill and weak getting married and with a smile on her face makes us think..... Happiness is reachable, no matter how long it lasts .

We should stop making our lives complicated.

Life is short

Break the rules

forgive quickly

love truly , laugh constantly

And never stop smiling

No matter how strange life is

Life is not always the party we expected to be

but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.



Sunday, March 22, 2009

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect?

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect? Will you still love me even if I’m not the kind of person you wished I were? Will you still look into my eyes with warmth even if you saw my shadows? Will you still hold my hand even if you knew there will be times I’d let you down?

For though I yearn to take care of you as I should, though I desire to love you with a love that never falters and fades, my knees tremble this very moment that you hold me in your arms.

Shall I kiss you? Shall I hold your hand and bask in the light of your spirit knowing that I have my darkness, knowing there will be times that the light of my love will sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness that is in me?

Sometimes I’d be silent and I might bore you. I may not laugh at your jokes, and you may not understand the spell that’s enshrouding me. Sometimes I’d get troubled and I’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles me. I wouldn’t be good company then, and I couldn’t make you smile.

Sometimes I’d get moody and I might not enjoy the things you’d like us to do together. Sometimes I’d lose my temper and I’d no longer act like the fine person who stands before you today. Sometimes I’d get jealous and I might say things I don’t really mean. Sometimes I’d talk too much that I might drive you away.

Sometimed I’d get touchy and I’d get easily hurt. And no matter how mature I try to be, at times I’d act in childish ways. I’d demand things I shouldn’t, I’d say thing I shouldn’t say. And no matter how much I desire to protect you and make you happy, sometimes I’d be the one who’d cause you the most pain.

If you will love me I cannot promise you that I will not hurt you. I cannot promise you that I will not make you cry and that I’ll never break your heart. But if you will love me, I will bare my whole self naked before you, and I will reveal to you my soul. If you will love me, you can be certain that it is I that you will love, not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see. If you will love me, you can be certain that you will love the depths of me, all of me that is in me, and I in turn will love you with all of me, with all my soul, with all my mind, with all my spirit, with all my flaws and beauty, and with all my very heart.

The Power Of Words

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.


This story gives us thoughts to think about:
1. An encouraging word to someone who is down can encourage them to achieve their goal.
2. A destructive word to someone who is down can have negative effects. Be careful of what you say.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My A to Z of Life

Life is like a multifaceted prism, which gives different colored images, when viewed from different angles. Look how it appears to different people:

a. Life is a struggle, face it.

b. Life is a brief intermission, between birth and death, enjoy it.

c. Life is a lesson, learn it.

d. Life is not a joke, take it seriously.

e. Life is work, work is life.

f. Life is a dream, to be realized.

g. Life is to be lived, enjoy it.

h. Life, without a wife, is no life.

i. Life is not a bed of roses.

j. Life is an ocean, fathom it.

k. Life is an opportunity, don't miss it.

l. Life without love is desolate.

m. Life is a goldmine, exploit it.

n. Life is what you make it.

o. Life lies in optimism. Be a positive thinker.

p. Life is like a game of snakes and ladders; one faces many pitfalls before one reaches the top.

q. Life will be a pleasure, if you love your work.

r. Life without goals, is groping in darkness.

s. Life without trust is a life in turmoil.

t. Life is a journey; make it as pleasant as possible.

u. Life doesn't mean bread alone.

v. Life is meaningful, only if there is a mission.

w. Life is enriched by good friendship.

x. Life doesn't mean years alone: "IT IS THE LIFE IN THOSE YEARS"

y. Life is useful, if you contribute something, that will outlive it.

z. Life lies in diversity, not in monotony.

by M. K. Soni

Sunday, March 15, 2009

7 Things Happy People Have In Common

Ever notice how some people just seem to be able to be content and bounce back no matter what the circumstances? Research shows that this isn't a gift or a talent - it's, a skill that they have developed. Surprised? Well, the real surprise is that you too can put to work their techniques and make your life happier too.

1. Happy people cooperate with life.

Each person has a destiny to fulfill. You can fight it or cooperate with it. Does that mean you just lay back and let life happen? No. But you can adopt the attitude that you will play the cards you are dealt the very best you can. When you begin to cooperate with life, you will notice new ways in which you are motivated. Life wants you to realize your destiny. Wouldn't you rather cooperate than battle with life?

2. Happy people don't just think positive, they act positive.

Thinking positive definitely has its place, and you'll need to change your thoughts to ever be truly happy. But don't wait on the feelings to come. You have direct control over how you act and what you think (feelings and physiology are indirectly affected). If you want to be a happier person, act happier. If you want to be a more compassionate person, act more compassionate. If you want to be a friendlier person, act friendlier. The feelings will follow.

3. Happy people ask for what they need.

Good things don't generally just fall out of the sky. Complaining gets you nothing, except to attract you to other complainers. If you believe that "you reap what you sow", then asking for what you want makes much more sense than sowing complaints. It's your choice-- you can choose to point fingers and assign blame, and still end up with nothing. Or you can simply ask.

4. Happy people are willing to change.

It's contrary to all laws of nature for things to stand still. If you try to make that happen, you'll always be disappointed. If you let fear of change stop you, you are in essence *agreeing* to not having what you want. You can believe that change will harm you and resist it. Or you can embrace it and believe that it will help you. It all depends on what you decide to believe.

5. Happy people don't allow themselves to be defeated.

A failure or set back does not mean that the goal will never be yours, nor is it evidence that you should quit. It simply means that you need more practice, more experience. Be willing to make mistakes. Don't give up. Don't allow one slipup, or setback from the outside, influence you to erase all the progress you've made. Feel the joy of the finish line!

6. Happy people live in the present.

If you are alert to the present, and anticipating the future, you are better able to take advantage of opportunities. If you are brooding over the past, you'll be blinded to present possibilities, and lose the advantage for future prospects. A happy life is the product of living a great present. And a well lived present is a guarantee of a wonderful future. You can only affect your future by what you do today.

7. Happy people plan ahead.

Happy people know that they must exercise mastery in their lives, show control in their life in order to guard against feelings of being helpless and victims. Planning is essential to getting things done. Planning is essential to making sure you are spending time on your priorities, and not just the next thing that gets your attention. Plan for what's important to you, and choose to spend your limited time, money, energy, and resources on it.

by Kathy Gates

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Love Rules: Three Necessary Ones To Remember

Have you ever wondered why some people are able to have success in dating and relationships, while others struggle and wonder if love will ever come their way? The answer could be found in understanding Love Rules.

The three most important Love Rules to remember are: Stop, Look, and Listen.

Stop.

Stop focusing on what you don't have and bring what you do have into view. You have attributes, talents, and abilities unique to you. Think about what they are and showcase them. The same goes for your appearance. Enhance and appreciate your good features, polish up what you have, and let go of any inner critical remarks that pass negative judgment on you.

Look.

Look at what you do to your self esteem when you act like a judgment machine. Nothing good comes from mean criticism. Find your encouraging voice that cheers you on. Whenever you have a win or do something you are proud of, tell yourself, "Yay team! Way to go!" Put that sentiment in your own words and make it your new mantra.

Listen.

Listening is a gift--to ourselves and to others. Men are deeply attracted to women who are gracious listeners; women warm to a man who can hear what they have to say and respond appropriately. Being a good listener starts with hearing your own judgmental voice first and learning to turn the volume down. When you are kinder to yourself, that caring ripples out to others.

Wrap these three rules in a blanket of a positive attitude. Negativity repels love; a positive attitude attracts who and what you want.

If you notice negative judgments curling up in your mind, wanting and waiting to spring forth, monitor the words and phrases that would give those thoughts a life.

Stop, Look, and Listen. Love Rules.

The 6 Relationship Stages

If you have been in a few relationships you probably already noticed that there are several stages a relationship goes through before it ends. Most of these relationships begin great, and then end sometimes badly. The following list of relationship stages will help you determine where your current relationship is, and hopefully stop it from where it might be going.

The Beginning: This is always fun. You meet the person for the first time and start spending time together. You get butterflies in your stomach when they are around.

The Bonding: Commitment often begins here. You decide to stay with this person and see where things lead. Love may be present.

The Comfort: The fire has left and has been replaced with a warm comfort for one another. Routines are usually established at this stage.

The Boredom: The relationship becomes boring and you might be bored of each other. You may begin fighting about things that you do not really care about.

The Avoiding: Avoiding each other completely has become normal in your relationship. The only reason you stay together is because of convenience.

The End: The last of all the relationship stages. You may have tried several things to save the relationship but it was too late. You split up.

If many of your relationships have followed this path in the past, you may want to learn how to fix it before it happens. Michael Webb, who is the author of the Relationship EBook Collection, can teach you the skills you need to know if you want to avoid this nasty and painful cycle in the future. If you really want to make a relationship last it is going to take a lot of work. But it will be totally worth it.

By Martin Bowditch

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Words That Should Exist

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie"

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"There go the lights again..."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off."

"What's this doing here?"

"Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."

"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"

"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmedle. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change..."

"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"

"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."

"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!"

"FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"

"Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

"...And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."

"You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."

Parable of the Pencil

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. There are 5 things you need to know, he told the pencil, before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.

Three: You will be able to correct mistakes you will make.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.

And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now replacing the place of the pencil with you; always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in God's hand. And allow other human beings to access you for the many gifts you possess.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems, but you'll need it to become a stronger person.

Three: You will be able to correct mistakes you might make or grow through them.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what's on the inside.

And Five: On every surface you walk, you must leave your mark. No matter what the situation, you must continue to serve God in everything.

By understanding and remembering, let us proceed with our life on this earth having a meaningful purpose in our heart and a relationship with God daily.

-- Author Unknown

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Where is My Relationship Heading?

Have you ever asked yourself, Where is this relationship heading? It's a good practice to assess where you are in your life from time to time. Where you are, that is, in relation to what is going on in all the various aspects of what makes up your life experience.

Today let's focus on your relationships. Are the people with whom you surround yourself in life helping you grow or are they hindering your growth? It may be that you are the one who is changing or have changed, and with every personal growth spurt or boost of expanded awareness you experience, you need to reassess your relationships accordingly. Or your partner may be growing, but in a different direction from you; same outcome really.

Most of us regularly assess acquaintances and business associates, but do you take time to assess your close personal friendships and intimate relationship, to assess if they are still serving your highest good and personal growth?

Of course we may be walking where angels fear to tread here, but if you are not advancing in your life, if you are not growing and expanding your possibilities of greater awareness and experience, you are missing out on a major part of what life is meant to be: a journey of expansion of your being into more than you are at present.

Every relationship has its own potential and they fall into one of two basic categories:

1. Relationships that add.

2. Relationships that subtract.

Take a look at the second category. What happens when you become aware that one or more of your relationships is subtracting from your personal growth and progress in life? You are left with the option to resist this realization or you can bring truth to it and simply accept that it is "not working" and assess what you can do about it.

So what does this mean for you? Good question...

It means one of three things:

1. The relationship was meant to be temporary and now needs to end.

You created this relationship to learn something and it has brought that specific gift to your life. The worst thing to do is to hold onto it when the universe is telling you it's time to let go. If you hold on to this kind of relationship it will pull you down and prevent your expansion. This relationship was only ever meant to be "seasonal," and if you don't let it go, what was once delightful could become destructive; certainly not for your greater continued good.

2. You entered the relationship thinking you could change the other person.

The only reality over which you have any kind of control is your own experience. You can never change anyone else unless they decide to make the change of their own accord. If you think you will change a person to fit your needs you are misleading yourself. They must want to change, and you can't want it more for them than they want it for themselves. If this is where you stand in relation to the other person, you need to reassess and take action.

3. You are in a static relationship that holds you in your past.

As long as you surround yourself with a person or people who hold you in your past it will prevent you from completing your transformation into who you want to become. When others attempt to put you on a guilt trip for trying to change, their fear of change will hold you bound to the past and prevent your growth. As long as they attempt to hold you in the same place they are, you cannot move forward at your own chosen pace.

If your intimate relationship falls into one of the above categories, you will have to assess just exactly what are your priorities for your life. You can ramp it up or choose to let it go. It takes enormous courage to leave the past behind and face an uncertain future, but the price of not doing so may cost you far more than anything you could possibly lose.

You were born to live your life in ever expanding experience. You need to surround yourself with people who share your highest aspirations. Mix with those who are as you would like to be, or who have what you want - not what you have at present.

When you feel the urge, take time to reassess your relationships, particularly your intimate relationship. See how you can perhaps contribute more, be more present to the other and play your role with full immersion. If you see it cannot be sustained, do what needs to be done. You only have one life this time around. Don't waste even one day more: start living for growth of love and expansion of who you are and want to be.

By Marie C. Barrett

Physics In Hell

A true story.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students.

It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
It was not revealed what grade the student received.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Rejection Lines (and what they actually mean)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

In response...The male perspective on the same issue...

Top 10 rejection lines given by Men
(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Installing Love

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before It can "LOVE"others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, EALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

Husband Mart

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Leaving the City of Regret

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I’m talking about my annual “Guilt Trip.”

I got tickets to fly there on “WISHIHAD” airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been. No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say “international”, because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.

As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year’s most important event, the Annual Pity Party. I wasn’t going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the town’s leading citizens would be there.

First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol’ Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterdays. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.

Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It’s Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don’t Blame Me and I Couldn’t Help It.

Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party, knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that all of this trip and subsequent “pity party” could be cancelled by ME! I started to truly realize that I did not have to be there. I didn’t have to be depressed.

One thing kept going through my mind, I CAN’T CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left The City of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address. Am I sorry for mistakes I’ve made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.

So, if you’re planning a trip back to The City of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now. Instead, take a trip to a place called, Starting Again. I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myselfs and the New Starts are so very helpful. By the way, you don’t have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. God bless you in finding this great town.

If you can find it, it’s in your own heart - please look me up. I live on ICANDOIT street.

Husband 101

"Dream Lover"

Letter to complaint dept.

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".

You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0 Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran .
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!

Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only 9.4 and 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"

The Shipwreck

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.

The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground--it just may be a smoke signal that summons The
Grace of God.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

2 Sides Of Love

His side

-"tell her how you feel" is what my friends said
-so i picked up the phone
-called your house
-you answerd
-i said "i love you"
-and hung up right after
-the next day
-i told you it was a bet from a friend
-it was partly true
-but you didnt answer
-no sassy come back which you always do
-just stood there
-the walked away

My side

-he called my house
-i picked up
-he told me he loved me
-then hung up
-the next day
-i was going to tell you i loved you back
-but you said it was a bet
-i had everything planned out
-every move i planned
-every word
-but when you said that...
-i had nothing to say
-i stood and watched you
-as you broke my heart
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